To Love a Traitor

Once u were just someone i was curious about.

Once your travels were simply an adventure to be known.

An immature ,wounded  curiosity may have sensed the power that you wield to destroy

and it called to you for healing  that you could not give.

It was introduced to you,the traitor, and your gifts of separation, duality, power over, deception, survival, denial of  the truth.

and in a  moment of deep regret disconnected from  its natural  healing  embrace  of  unending love  .

Here u are  as i dreaded ,as i sustpected u probably , could be , maybe there

I did not want to see u .

I shut down feeling u until u squeezed yourself free from my grasp  to ooze out thru everything i did and said .

I suppressed u until u mutated a thousand strong and integrated entirely into my life,

until my sense of self dwindled to self hatred and disgust , feeling unwanted and unloved ,

until l imagined how it could  be to disappear from the face of the earth,

so intolerable was the thought of your living in me.

I could not bear even the possibility that you were there , a part of me.

It required of me abilities beyond humanness to accept and to love

abilities we all have access to,

yet feel unworthy to receive .

May the longing of our true self’s heart continually create  first responses

of love everlasting ,  all  encompassing.

May we enter unencumbered into the cave of our own true hearts to

evolve.

 

 

 

Self Rejection

You cause me to fear for safety

You hate me

What I feel coming from you hurts

What you are capable of frightens me

I must push you away with my words,

block my heart to keep you out

this that you are must never defile me

 

 

 

Touchstone

as the pain burns in my chest, i feel  tears restrain . come in tears, no need to hide , fall as u may, where u may. i can hold the tempest that waits to burst free , the pus that aches to to spill .

i know you could not trust me before. i ran away , avoided looking at what was forming beneath my skin. i could not tolerate,could not bear the sting of my choices made impulsively ,wisdom nowhere insight,choices made in haste, in fear, in the freedom that momentary decisions offer with no foresight.

that choice would cast my life differently with no awareness at the time  of the pain its memory  woudl bring. no awareness showed itself when i chose  that whihc in these moments evokes a  gasp , a cry escaping  suddenly ,with the decision never to feel it again.

here i am .turns of the circle later always coming back to where i left off …judging you for exisiting . wanting you to go away forever, pretending you are not there. naming you as that poor choice i made back then rejecting you. yet you are still with me . my friend. painful pus spread deeply into my core.

i am ready to set you free, to heal to feel what must be felt to move forward .the product of that poor choice once hidden now brought into the light of day. to see, to accept ,to acknowledge. yes ,you are part of me now a rock firming my foundation. may i sit with you? learn what you bring ? you are a precious touchstone , a partner in my growth on my journey home thank u pain, thank u.

7/23/16 Linda Lawson

She Star…dedicated to Tarnia Miles

I might have missed your gift to us

had others remained silent

Now

I see what I must lay down

what I carry only by choice

waiting hoping there might be validation one day

holding out for it

there is no need for it is there?

breathe and allow life to simply move through you

smile all the while.

Where to now ?

Got issues with how your life is going? Sick of it all? Not interested in addictions, soulmate, to cover up  the pain?

Ah, yes, I know you . You are beginning  the spiritual journey  that makes all this earth living doable.

Well, the good news  is the spiritual journey has evolved. It was identified by the following ways  familiar ways of being and doing…retreat from the world, find a guru, meditate, use self control in all ways, follow the middle path , do unto others…etc.not necessarily in that order.

Yeah.Yeah. Got it.
That list is modified now…perhaps upgrades, shall we say. Now its find the guru within, meditate, develop mastery over the lower bodies,follow the middle path ,love unconditionally,  live an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. Live in the world , not of the world. Develop psychological clarity.

What ? Psychological clarity? What ? I get all the other requirements? Why psychological clarity?

Yes, it turns out that a cocktail of old suppressed emotions debilitates the body and heart and soul.
I know exactly what you are thinking.
Yes, I know. I thought the same thing. I thought if I didn’t focus on those unpleasant feelings, they would eventually dissipate and disappear.
I thought if I emersed myself in “good” actions ” right thinking , meditation, doing for others that the past would go away.
Certainly, those forms of meditation that take one above the fray would make all that unclear stuff go away. I could activate more and more chakras and never have to touch the funkiness of the planet again.

Not only did the suppressed unwanted feelings hang around , they had grown and festered in my mind. And yes, the new form would show up surprisingly at the most inoppportune times like an unwanted guest that you would never willingly invite to your home.

It would show at times like at the high point of a new venture or romance. Nothing like the past fears to hijack precious moments.

So being aware of these emotional bags of toxicity waiting to burst all over your new endeavor, project, partnership, or idea, is big. It’s important to recognize them if you want to make any progress .

They can have the disabling effect of failure making. One can believe its just not possible to succeed when in reality , its the old bits of you that you could not abide, that are showing up.

Once we recognize them, feel them, clear them, then off they go. All the energy it took to suppress them now comes to us. No more wasting away of your enjoyment of life,

In the end, it is an act of self love to transform these formerly unloved, toxic bits of us back into the mix of our energy systems. The choice is to clear them or further degrade our systems.

Really,its like would you like a drink of mud or water ? Its a choiceless choice , I say.

Psychological clarity is being clear, free of the toxic mental and emotional debris that swims in us and in the collective consciousness . And it takes daily maintenance.

After 12 years of developing the muscle and courage to transform these unloved bits of me , I see life differently. I see people differently. And of course I see me differently.

All the categories that we love to put each other in around color, income, religion, etc. just don’t make sense when one factors in all the times in the past that we chose to overlook what we truly feel, swallow our words , lie, or settle for second best. These behaviors change us , blur our vision, and have us pointing blame outside of ourselves each time we choose them.

This is the potency of psychological clarity. Once the unloved bit is transformed, the situation that was so intolerable , unfair , or unsuccessful changes .

Got issues with how your life is going? If you are alive , you may have an issue or two that is gnawing at you.

Isn’t it comforting to know that there is at least one way to living on the planet with optimism and hope….even joy. Engaging with tools for psychological clarity as part of your spiritual journey  may not be your way  .There are many doors.

Go ahead, walk through one ,explore.

Let me know what you find.

 

Heartlinked.