To Love a Traitor

Once u were just someone i was curious about.

Once your travels were simply an adventure to be known.

An immature ,wounded  curiosity may have sensed the power that you wield to destroy

and it called to you for healing  that you could not give.

It was introduced to you,the traitor, and your gifts of separation, duality, power over, deception, survival, denial of  the truth.

and in a  moment of deep regret disconnected from  its natural  healing  embrace  of  unending love  .

Here u are  as i dreaded ,as i sustpected u probably , could be , maybe there

I did not want to see u .

I shut down feeling u until u squeezed yourself free from my grasp  to ooze out thru everything i did and said .

I suppressed u until u mutated a thousand strong and integrated entirely into my life,

until my sense of self dwindled to self hatred and disgust , feeling unwanted and unloved ,

until l imagined how it could  be to disappear from the face of the earth,

so intolerable was the thought of your living in me.

I could not bear even the possibility that you were there , a part of me.

It required of me abilities beyond humanness to accept and to love

abilities we all have access to,

yet feel unworthy to receive .

May the longing of our true self’s heart continually create  first responses

of love everlasting ,  all  encompassing.

May we enter unencumbered into the cave of our own true hearts to

evolve.

 

 

 

Self Acceptance

this morning when you showed , as you always do , i stayed with you. i let you become part of my landscape, part of who i am and what I know.

i was more courageous today.today i could love u.

today it did not matter that u were different than i had hoped for. today i saw u as u are.

today it did not matter. today i became one with u .

i held out my arms to u,let u under the warm cloak of comfort that nurtures the rest of me

today i protected u,

the fight is over ,

no more pushing u away

out of sight,

no more need to mask

what you truly are

on separate sides

are we ,

no longer.

Beloved…

I could give myself totally to you, if I were as courageous as I once thought myself to be. Now I find the cleverest of excuses , never fooling myself for long.

I feel backed into a corner , my own design. I want to be here. from here there is no where else to run. there is no retreat.

No pain is too much. No sorrow too great to know.

Nothing measures up to the greatness of the loss of  you.

From here I can offer you all that I am . What I see of me and what I don’t.

It is an act of surrender .

I breathe

for you,

to know you

ever more.

 

 

Touchstone

as the pain burns in my chest, i feel  tears restrain . come in tears, no need to hide , fall as u may, where u may. i can hold the tempest that waits to burst free , the pus that aches to to spill .

i know you could not trust me before. i ran away , avoided looking at what was forming beneath my skin. i could not tolerate,could not bear the sting of my choices made impulsively ,wisdom nowhere insight,choices made in haste, in fear, in the freedom that momentary decisions offer with no foresight.

that choice would cast my life differently with no awareness at the time  of the pain its memory  woudl bring. no awareness showed itself when i chose  that whihc in these moments evokes a  gasp , a cry escaping  suddenly ,with the decision never to feel it again.

here i am .turns of the circle later always coming back to where i left off …judging you for exisiting . wanting you to go away forever, pretending you are not there. naming you as that poor choice i made back then rejecting you. yet you are still with me . my friend. painful pus spread deeply into my core.

i am ready to set you free, to heal to feel what must be felt to move forward .the product of that poor choice once hidden now brought into the light of day. to see, to accept ,to acknowledge. yes ,you are part of me now a rock firming my foundation. may i sit with you? learn what you bring ? you are a precious touchstone , a partner in my growth on my journey home thank u pain, thank u.

7/23/16 Linda Lawson