ONCE, life was all about finding my true love, my soul mate. I was persistently looking in all the wrong places.
Versions of me attracted similar versions of love. Yes, quite likely the best that each man had to give me at that point in his life. It left me scarred, disappointed, and distrustful of my own heart’s knowing. I found one heartbreak after another with each succeeding relationship being more dysfunctional.
No one had that perfect love I was looking for and no one could receive the enormity of what I felt I had to give. Being the stubborn sort who does not quit in the face of obvious defeat, I persevered.
It was almost laughable. Even to me. Why?
I fall in love too quickly. I started to see it wasn’t so important who was in front of me stirring the love notions in my soul, it was the feeling being ignited inside when someone appealing was in front of me.
Yes, it mattered who and what he was like, but, really, it wasn’t until I met a guy named Omar that I realized where to turn for he ,too, hungered for the very same faceless, formless lover as myself.
This man had the ability to stay focused on his silent engagement within in the presence of women hungry for attention. It gave him a peace that we could not.
One evening in the presence of Omar was enough to set me on a different kind of journey, a journey within.
There did come the critical mass of declining relationships that sent me home to lick my wounds alone. I met loneliness face to face, entered thru its doors , wondering whether I was made for partnership.
And then the magic happened. In my self imposed alone time, I realized I was having a great opportunity to be with it. To call it mine. I accepted it. The sting of loneliness , of being single, ceased .
Yes, a few years later, I did meet my life partner who has similar yearnings. However, first love ,real and true, woke up within me. And yes, I am still on my journey, ever expanding inward, to become the love I seek.
Each of us has the built in inner workings to spring back, to heal, and to create a new reality for our self. If we choose, we can feel all of the life we’ve lived , the best of it, the worst of it , and all that lies in between , honoring what we learned.
Let us be abundantly informed with our elegant tapestry of yearnings, failings, and successes. We can refuse our creation, hide it, or display it with grace.
Somewhere along the way is our awakening as we cry out for relief. We hear the voice of the heart that counsels. We feel the spirit rise as we surrender to the safe haven deep within our heart’s chamber doors. We discover Love, real and true, burning, pulsing, and expanding within, consuming the chain of hurts from the choices we made or refused to make.
Are you looking for your true love? Keep going, you‘re almost there.
Copyright 2007 Linda Lawson